I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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