my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize