dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
