I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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