Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
tell me about the eggs
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
