No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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