11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
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I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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