at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
