When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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