I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
