Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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