Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
