today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He better not be in your backpack
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...