Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
