it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.