Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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