He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
