How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
