i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
