Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
40s are totally the cure
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
