what day is it and did you see me today?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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