He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
