Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
