I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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