Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
