I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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