The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
