Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
