I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
