census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
