Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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