You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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