Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
