When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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