you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
