he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
barbara walters just said penis...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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