Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
