you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize