my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
