Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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