My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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