Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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