I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
