I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
