I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
