Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
