So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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