Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
