so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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