k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Randomize
