Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Bring me that man meat
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
