Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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