Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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