she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
