I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
